


something that wasn't here before

by kuttsukiboshi



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Canon Universe, Hand Jobs, JUST GUYS BEIN DUDES, Light Angst, M/M, Sexual Tension, Touching, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, vaguely implied sexuality crisis bc i'm me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:54:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29501616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuttsukiboshi/pseuds/kuttsukiboshi
Summary: "San," His eyes snapped back up to Seonghwa's face. They're both frozen. There's a line between them that's blurring, so much so that San can't see it anymore.Somewhere, from a million miles away, he heard himself say it, "Do you want me to help?"
Relationships: Choi San/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 6
Kudos: 61





	something that wasn't here before

**Author's Note:**

> i did not mean to write this it was an accident i've been possessed by sanhwa

San caught his eye at the end of a gruelling practice session, lifting his head up again from tilting it back as he panted with exhaustion, he saw Seonghwa's gaze follow his movements from a few feet away. He could only raise his eyebrows in question, still too out of breath to vocalise anything. Seonghwa didn't offer any response or explanation, just holding his gaze for a moment.

"What?" San managed, resisting the urge to just lie down on the floor and pass out.

Seonghwa still didn't answer, just half dragged himself across the small space between them to drop himself into San's side. San made a vague noise of protest.

"It's too hot," He complained, but didn't really do much to resist. It was kind of unlike Seonghwa to do something like this, he wasn't usually the one to initiate skinship, especially not off camera.

"Mm, sorry," He didn't sound sorry, and San was about to retort when Seonghwa's hand slipped around his waist, fingers drifting just under the hem of his shirt. They both paused. Seonghwa seemed to be waiting for something, to see how he’d react, and after a moment San just leaned into it, forgetting whatever he’d been about to say. 

He wasn't sure why it was weird.

"Does it bother you?" Seonghwa had asked him, the next day, on their way to a schedule.

San tugged an earphone out of his ear. "What?"

"Does it bother you?" He looked around, as if afraid someone would overhear them. "When we- when I touch you?"

San made a strangled sound that was vaguely close to a laugh, "What?" He said again, because _ why the hell would he phrase it like that _ . Seonghwa looked serious, though, he was biting down on his lower lip, brow furrowed in concern. "Uh, no? Why would it?" He winced slightly internally at how strained his laugh came out sounding. "Hyung, come on, why would I care about that?"

Seonghwa regarded him for a moment with an unreadable look, then smiled. "Okay," He said simply, turning back to look out of the window again. San stared at the back of his head.

That’s how it starts. 

It’s not like either of them were really strangers to skinship, especially on camera, the whole group was pretty touchy with each other and San in particular had never had an issue with initiating it, and Seonghwa never had an issue with indulging it. Even though the other way around it was slightly more rare, it still happened, often enough for something like that to be particularly notable.

In short, it shouldn’t be weird. But for whatever reason, it was. San blamed Seonghwa.

  
  


They sit next to each other to take a picture after performing, everyone having to sit pretty close together to even fit. San wrapped an arm around Yeosang's shoulder on his other side, pulling him almost halfway into his lap, and-

He really shouldn't even notice. But he did notice, when Seonghwa dropped his hand casually on his thigh, fingers brushing against the seam on the inside of his jeans. San looked at the hand, then up at his face. Seonghwa caught his eye almost immediately, even though they were all meant to be looking ahead at the camera.

A second later, he moved his hand away, and both of their attentions were brought to the front again.

San could still feel the phantom heat of his hand against his leg, and it was suddenly strangely hard to swallow. They were still taking pictures, though, so he pushed the unfamiliar feelings back and focused on posing. It felt slightly too hot in the room. 

The moment it was done everyone relaxed, Yeosang extracted himself from San’s arms only to be pulled into the chaos that had erupted around them again. It was almost automatic, when he looked in Seonghwa’s direction again. He looked at Seonghwa, and after a moment, Seonghwa looked back. 

Neither of them said anything. And that was it. 

They didn’t mention it (what was there to even mention?), they just continued as if nothing had happened. And, well, yeah. Nothing really  _ had _ happened. From an outsider’s perspective, certainly, it probably seemed like nothing. So San just resolved to act like it was nothing. 

After all, it was only weird if they made it weird, right?

  
  


*****

  
  


It happened again. While they were in the middle of standing around backstage, waiting. ‘It’ being, well. Something. Whatever this thing was. It was cold and San's outfit wasn’t substantial enough, he was in the middle of determinedly not regretting deciding to wear it when someone grabbed his shoulders and moved him to the side. Which in itself wasn't anything out of the ordinary, they were all standing so close together. He leaned into the touch easily, and for a moment, everything was fine.

It took him a full five seconds to even notice that it was Seonghwa. Another split second to realise that he hadn't let go of him yet. His hands just kind of lingered there for a second, before dragging down his arms, one of them coming to rest on his waist.

The thing is, San could not for the life of him figure out if this was weird or not. Which one of them is being weird, here? Does Seonghwa always touch him like this, or is San the one who's being weird for thinking about it too much?

"Ah, sorry," Seonghwa said suddenly, drawing his attention from where it had been resolutely focused ahead to the side again. He reached for San's shoulder to readjust one of the straps there, one that was holding his whole outfit together and one that had got twisted around. His fingers grazed the bare skin there for a split second too long.

That, or San was just going insane.

"Is it okay?" He replaced Seonghwa's hand with his own to make doubly sure it was in place.

"Mhm," Seonghwa was still looking at him. Well, at the outfit. "It's sexy~"

San caught his eye and he smiled. "You too," He brushed a hand over the leather thing Seonghwa was wearing, which elicited a laugh from him.

"Your waist is so small," Seonghwa's eyes were trained downwards again, and San felt an unfamiliar heat coil low in his body. It hadn’t been like this before. Before, it had just been a kind of buzz under the skin whenever they touched, weird but easy to ignore. But this was different.He had no time to try and figure any of this out, however, because the next moment ATEEZ were being called to standby.

Performing was a great distraction, but it could only last so long. One of the least exciting things about being an idol is how much time you end up spending sitting around in waiting rooms. San was in the middle of crowding over Yunho's shoulder so he could watch him play his new mobile game obsession, several of them sitting on the floor just because there was more space there. Seonghwa wasn’t even in the room at the moment, him and Yeosang had gone to get food.

He was determinedly not thinking about it.

"What did you guys get?" Mingi called from Yunho's other side, and San craned around to see Seonghwa and Yeosang come back into the room.

"Snacks," Yeosang said unnecessarily, holding the bag in his hand up as if that would stop everyone from pouncing on it. Predictably, it did not. Seonghwa managed to snag something from it before everything descended into chaos, looking pleased with himself.

"Hyung," San said, just loud enough for him to hear. The look on his face told him that Seonghwa thought he'd been let off the hook of people trying to get food off him. "Give me some?" He pouted.

Resorting to aegyo didn't usually work on any of the older members, but Seonghwa's guard was down right now. "...No," He took a moment too long to respond, and San took advantage of his hesitation, crawling forwards to grab hold of his leg, trapping him before he could try and get away. Seonghwa yelped, almost falling over and having to steady himself with a hand on top of San's head. He twisted his fingers in his hair, and San hissed in pain. It was going to take more than that to deter him, though.

“Hyung,” He said again, sliding a hand up Seonghwa’s thigh. In response, Seonghwa pulled his hair again, tugging his head backwards. “Ah, that  _ hurts _ ,” Seonghwa looked down at him then seemed to panic, releasing him. 

“Okay, okay, let me go!” He was trying to laugh, but also looked so urgent that San took pity on him and unwound himself from his leg. 

He was on his feet immediately and swiping a chip from the bag Seonghwa was holding. “Thanks,”

“Yah,” Seonghwa said, without much feeling. San just smirked at him, still revelling in getting the upper hand back. Seonghwa’s ears are red. “Is it okay?”

“What?” Seonghwa wasn’t looking at him. 

“I messed up your hair,” He ran a hand through his own, and San got what he was talking about. 

“Oh,” His scalp kind of still stung, actually, but the buzz of winning whatever game of push and pull they were playing still thrummed through his body, the pain drowned out by the heat. “I’ll just tell the stylist-noonas it was your fault~” The stylist-noonas all love him though, and even San couldn’t charm his way out of a scolding. 

  
  


But nonetheless, San knew that he’d won, because since then Seonghwa seemed to be having trouble looking him directly in the eye for too long. And he hadn’t touched him (not on purpose, anyway) in two days. Two and a half days. 

Not that San was counting. 

He could’ve sworn he was normal before. Well, normal enough to not feel this weird about perfectly innocent and platonic touching, because that was exactly what it was, right? 

It didn’t make any sense. San couldn’t recall anything that had happened that may have made them be awkward with each other, if that was even the right way of putting it. It was difficult to place what exactly was even off about it, a weight to each interaction that hadn’t been there before, something that simmered under the surface and evaded naming. 

Honestly, it was easier to just blame Seonghwa for even bringing it up and making him  _ think  _ about it all the time. Thinking about it only made it worse, and now San feels a weird combination of nervous frustration, excitement and horniness(?) whenever he touches him. Which, yeah. That was definitely not supposed to happen. 

It had gotten to the point where he was beginning to resent Seonghwa for existing, just standing there and systematically destroying his sanity. 

  
  


*****

  
  


“Dude,” Wooyoung reached out a hand for the half empty soju bottle he was holding, the one they kept hidden where staff never checked, “You really need to get laid, huh?” 

“Fuck you,” San groaned, wishing he hadn’t drunk a quarter of the soju already because it really wasn’t helping much with his predicament. “What does it mean?” Maybe he’d drunk more like a third of it, actually, cause he was definitely more tipsy than Wooyoung and Wooyoung was a total lightweight. 

“What does what mean?” He extracted the bottle from San’s hand and took a swig, pulling a face, “This shit is gross,” He looked back down at San, who had dropped his head down onto his thigh. "You wanting to fuck Seonghwa-hyung?" Even Wooyoung couldn't manage to say that with a straight face. San would've hit him if he wasn’t currently holding a bottle right over his head.

"I don't want to do  _ that _ !" He rolled away from him instead and lay face down on the floor. "You're not helping,"

Wooyoung shrugged. "I don't know, it's probably not a big deal. Weird shit can make you-" He paused to make a crude hand gesture. San turned his head to give him a judging look.

"Make you what," He deadpanned. The stuff that Wooyoung considered too embarrassing to say out loud was seriously inconsistent.

"Y'know. Turned on." Wooyoung laughed the way he always did when he found something awkward, and San rolled his eyes, sitting up again so he could swipe the drink from him. "Are you seriously stressed out about it?" He watched as San downed half the remnants of the soju.

"No shit," He muttered, when he ran out of air. The alcohol hit his head a second later, making him feel slightly dizzy.

"Shit..." Wooyoung said quietly, and his tone made San glance at him again. He looked suddenly serious, eyes wide, "Do you actually… like-"

"I already said no," San cut him off, ignoring the way his throat tightened at the question. Wooyoung was still just looking at him. "It's like you said, it's not a big deal."

They both went quiet for a moment. San filled the time by taking another swig of the soju, even though he was aware he should probably stop, unless he wanted to be hungover for practice tomorrow. Wooyoung moved over to sit next to him, facing the door, leaning his head on his shoulder. It was easy, natural. San didn't think twice about it.

It only occurred to him, a moment later, that this is how it should be with Seonghwa.

"You know-" Wooyoung spoke up first, when San moved his head away. "-you know it's okay, right?"

"Yeah, I know," San muttered, without looking at him, "I'm not worried about it,"

He's not worried about it. Not about  _ that _ .

Wooyoung grabbed the bottle off him this time when he tried to take another drink, he made a sound of protest. "Remember when I paid for that?" He watched in bemusement Wooyoung go to stow it in the hiding place again instead of drinking it. "Wooyoung-ah~"

"I'm cutting you off,"

"You're cutting me off," San echoed, disbelieving.

"Yeah. Go to  _ bed _ ."

He complied, because Wooyoung may be annoying, but he was also right. Even with the alcohol dulling his mind, it was still impossible to fall asleep.

  
  


*****

  
  


It was around this time that things went from weird to weirder.

"Getting water," San said, around three hours into a gaming session, barely having moved since they'd started. Yeosang only grunted in response as he crawled over him to get out of the door into the way too bright dorm outside, blinking like an animal coming out of hibernation. He dragged himself over to the fridge and yanked it open. 

"Shit," There isn't any water in there, the usual bottle was absent. A glance towards the sink told him that that was also gonna be a no go, it was too full of dirty dishes to attempt to get any water. Whose turn was it to clean up anyway? San certainly wasn't going to, not right now. He shut the fridge and resolved to head to the bathroom instead.

He hadn't seen any of the other members around, and had assumed they were either out or sleeping. The shower wasn't running either, so it was a pretty fair assumption to just push the door open without even knocking. If anyone was in there, they'd lock the door, right?

"What the fu-" San stopped as soon as he walked in, falling against the doorframe in surprise, "Can you knock?!"

Seonghwa was mercifully(?) not showering, or doing anything much, for that matter. He was just standing there, and San recovered from the surprise enough to wonder why he seemed so mad. It wasn't like he'd caught him in the act of anything.

"Why didn't you lock the door?"

"I was going to," Seonghwa protested. He still looked inexplicably embarrassed. "You should still knock,"

San shrugged, letting the door fall closed behind him and heading for the sink. He didn't miss the way Seonghwa backed away from him, like he didn't want them to accidentally touch. "Okay,"

"What are you doing?"

"Water," San thrust the empty bottle he was holding into the sink, "There isn't any left,"

"There's a tap in the kitchen," Seonghwa pointed out unhelpfully. San shot him a look through the mirror above the sink.  _ Yeah, like he didn't know that. _ "Why-"

"What are  _ you _ doing?" San interrupted him, spinning around on the spot and taking a swig of the water. Seonghwa just stared at him with a look he couldn't tell if it was annoyed or confused.

Honestly, he kind of felt the same. What the hell is even going on with them?

"I was gonna-" Seonghwa gestured around the bathroom, "Shower," His hand came up to scratch at his neck absently. San looked at him for a moment.

"You didn't bring a towel,"

Seonghwa made a frustrated sound, turning to the side. "Go away," There wasn't much conviction in his voice. San suddenly found himself looking at him, really looking at him. His posture was too tense, and he was almost pressing himself up against the wall, as if he wanted to put as much distance between them as possible. Something finally dawned on him, watching him fidget on the spot, flushed and not making eye contact.

"Yah, if you came here to jerk off, you should definitely lock the door," He said it before he could stop himself.

Seonghwa's face flushed even more, if that was even possible, "That's not-" He turned around to face San again, looking embarrassed, but also... something else. "Why would you think that?"

"Cause that's what you usually do in here?" Seonghwa laughed incredulously at that. As if it wasn't true, why else would he spend so much time showering. "We're all guys, it's not a big deal," He continued, unconsciously looking Seonghwa up and down in a way he realised belatedly was really obvious. "You should just lock-"

"I can't," Seonghwa interrupted, throwing him off completely. He seemed to regret it almost as soon as he spoke, his expression twisting in panic, "I- shit,"

"You can't what?" San said, slowly. "Lock the door?"

He was so confused. Seonghwa looked completely freaked out but also kind of mad at him- and there was no way that should be hot to him. He didn't reply. Just kept looking at him, waiting for him to get it.

San got it. "You can't jerk off?" He laughed, because it was a weird thing to say, but his laugh came out sounding breathy and nervous, "What does that even  _ mean _ , hyung?" Seonghwa still wasn't answering, and it was making him even more nervous. Why was he nervous?

"You should go," There was something weird in his voice, a kind of resignation. It sounded almost like he meant the opposite of what he said. San didn't know what to say. Seonghwa was wearing sweats, and they were loose and the angle was off and he couldn't tell if he was hard right now-

Something twisted in his stomach and he swallowed.  _ Shit.  _ What if he is? It's got to hurt, being like that and not touching yourself.

"San," His eyes snapped back up to Seonghwa's face. They're both frozen. There's a line between them that's blurring, so much so that San can't see it anymore.

Somewhere, from a million miles away, he heard himself say it, "Do you want me to help?"

They carried on staring at each other, as San's brain caught up with his mouth quickly enough for him to start panicking, distantly. He expected Seonghwa to laugh like it was all just a joke, get embarrassed, or even yell at him for even saying that, but he didn't. He swallowed. San saw the movement of his throat.

"Okay,"

Far away from here, in a world where things actually make sense, San was asking a thousand questions, but here, all of that was just a buzz of background noise. Here, there's just Seonghwa.  _ Seonghwa _ .

It only takes him one step to be directly in front of him. There was barely any space between them, suddenly, and it was hard to breathe. He still reached out.

"You should lock the door," Seonghwa said, quietly. So quietly he barely heard him.

San drew back. "Oh," He turned to make sure the door clicked in place, fumbling with the lock. His hands were shaking, slightly.

"San," Seonghwa said again, his tone different this time. When San turned around, the look on his face seemed different too, guilty, almost. "You don't have to-" He stopped, like he couldn't bring himself to say it. "Do this,"

He does, though.

The door was locked, and they were in front of each other again. San didn’t know what he was doing, but he couldn’t stop, either. He reached a hand out to touch Seonghwa’s waist, and just that was enough to make him inhale, sharply. San looked up at him. “It’s fine,” He said, breathlessly. “I’m fine,”

_ I want to.  _

He slid his hand down further, before he could think better of it, before Seonghwa could come back to his senses and tell him to leave again. It’s obvious that he was hard now, San pressed his hand against his clothed erection, eliciting another sound from him, almost sounding like he was in pain. It shot heat down into his stomach, lower, but it also made him look up again, suddenly worried. “Is it okay?” 

He was barely even touching him, not yet. Seonghwa tilted his head back, breathing out and shutting his eyes. 

“ _ Please _ ,” 

That was all the encouragement San needed. He moved his other hand to grab hold of Seonghwa’s hip, to steady him, tether them both to reality, then reached kind of clumsily underneath his waistband. It’s something he’d done a thousand times to himself, it shouldn’t be difficult. In fact, it should be easier, just mechanics. Seonghwa’s breath hitched as soon as his hand closed over his length, wasting no time as he moved it up and down. 

“Fuck,” Seonghwa muttered right into his ear, voice breaking slightly. The sound made even more heat coil low in his stomach, prompting him to speed up, getting into the rhythm of it, making Seonghwa gasp more unabashedly, unable to hold back. It was intimate, too intimate, being face to face like this as he made. Maybe Seonghwa thought so too, because the next second he was burying his face in San’s shoulder, gripping onto his arm for purchase. 

It occurred to him that that should probably bring him back to reality, make him realise what he was doing with who and stop, but the sane part of his brain had tapped out around the time when he'd got that turned on just from touching another guy's dick. Most of his brain was too focused on here and now, Seonghwa. He dug his nails into San's bicep, enough to hurt, that was probably going to leave a mark,  _ fuck, that's hot.  _

He was vaguely aware that he was making sounds now too, pressing closer up against Seonghwa, almost grinding into his thigh. The angle was off and it was awkward and uncomfortable and he was kind of trapping his own arm in the process, but at the same time he hadn’t felt this turned on in a long time. 

"Shit," Seonghwa grabbed hold of his wrist, suddenly, "I'm- gonna"

San stopped moving, unsure of what he wanted, "Do you wanna-" He started, the words surprisingly difficult to get out, he was breathing so heavily.  _ Finish yourself _ , he was going to say, but Seonghwa spoke again before he had chance.

"Don't-" His hand tightened on San's arm, and he felt it all through his body, "Don't stop,"

He was really close, San could tell, it would only take a little to push him over the edge. Now was not the time to start thinking again, but he couldn't help it, not with Seonghwa's lips against his ear and Seonghwa underneath his fingertips and just  _ Seonghwa _ .

San twisted his hand around the head of his cock and he came with a sharp cry all over both of their hands, digging his fingers even harder into his arm, resting his cheek against San’s shoulder as they both breathed heavily. 

For a moment, they were both just quiet. It took San another moment to realise he was hard, and yet another moment to figure that Seonghwa could probably tell, with how closely they were pressed together. 

It was at this same moment that Seonghwa moved backwards from him entirely, turning away to adjust the front of his waistband. San just stared at him for a moment, then made a grab in the general direction of the tap to rinse his hands off. 

“Does it hurt? Seonghwa said softly, just as he turned around. He reached out to touch San’s arm, the same one he’d been grabbing onto hard enough to leave a mark. San flinched back slightly, already feeling overstimulated. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,”

“Would you-” Seonghwa started again, just as quietly, “I mean, do you need…” His gaze flickered downwards, briefly. 

“Ah,” San moved instinctively to cover himself. He wasn’t sure why it was so embarrassing for Seonghwa to see him like that, considering what they just did. “I’m, uh, good. Thanks.” 

“Okay,” Seonghwa’s eyes flitted back over his face, and he smiled slightly. “Okay.” 

San didn’t realise he’d left the damn water bottle in the bathroom until the door closed behind him. He stared at the wall in front of him helplessly.  _ What the fuck,  _ he thought,  _ what the fuck was that.  _ The wall did not provide an answer. 

  
  


*****

  
  


After that, they carried on as if nothing happened. 

It probably should be more awkward, seeing each other every day after that, but Seonghwa acted no different, still smiled at him and got frustrated when he was being annoying and threw an arm around his shoulders casually when they sat next to each other. In some ways, he seemed even more relaxed than before.

Good for him, honestly, at least he'd been able to have a satisfactory orgasm. San had had to wait until later, when he could have the shower to himself for enough time to finally stroke himself to completion. It took ages, and no matter how much he tried to keep his mind carefully blank, he imagined the same thing, Seonghwa’s fingers wrapped around his length, Seonghwa’s lips against his ear, and  _ shit- _

He felt weirdly empty, staring down into the drain afterwards, wondering why he'd rejected Seonghwa's offer anyway. His arm still stung. The feeling still wasn't bad.

It was nearly a week later, when he finally cracked and decided he needed a drink. He couldn't risk inviting anyone to come with him, because what if he got drunk and accidentally spilled what had happened to them? San had told Wooyoung a lot of things in the past, but he really didn't think he'd be able to look him in the eye if he told him he'd jerked Seonghwa-hyung off in the bathroom.

It was with this in mind that he took great care to not disturb anyone when he got up, only intending to take a little bit from the alcohol stash. He thought he’d done a pretty good job at sneaking around, until- 

“Hey,” 

San swore under his breath and wheeled around, even though he already knew who it was without looking. “ _ Sh- _ Where did you come from?!”

Seonghwa shrugged. "I followed you," He said, easily, and damn, San needed to practice sneaking around more. "You're drinking?" He gestured to the bottle that San had forgotten to try and hide. 

“Uh, yeah,” What else would he be doing? San crossed over to the counter and put the bottle down, deciding to ignore Seonghwa until he said something that wasn’t obvious. 

"Are you gonna drink that straight?" He looked up. Seonghwa had crossed over to the other side of the counter, leaning his elbows on it as he watched what San was doing. 

“Mm, you got a problem with that?” San took a swig which burned his throat, okay, he underestimated that, it took a lot of willpower to not choke. 

Seonghwa shook his head, looking half concerned, half amused, "No, you can't-" He cut himself off mid sentence, then he was walking around behind him to pull the fridge open. "Do we still have that lemon thing..." San watched him in bemusement as he pulled something out from the bottom. "Ahh! Here~" He took the bottle off San without asking, fumbling in the cupboard above them to get cups.

"Hyung-" San started, not really sure what to say. It was kind of endearing, when he tried to do everything all nicely like this. “I wasn’t gonna-” He gestured vaguely. 

Seonghwa just raised an eyebrow at him. "How can you drink that straight? How much is it, anyway?" He held his hand out for it. 

San looked at the bottle. "Uh, I dunno," It was probably pretty expensive actually, it had been Yunho's turn to buy most recently, and he always picked fancy shit. He didn’t tell Seonghwa this, and he also didn’t tell him that he’d been planning to drink it straight so he could get his brain to stop overthinking already. 

Seonghwa seemed to take his silence as answer enough. "You kids are crazy," He shook his head again, pouring the drinks a little too expertly. 

"You could be a bartender, hyung," San leaned forward to watch what he was doing more closely, pretending the word  _ kids  _ didn’t catch in the back of his throat. Seonghwa just hummed in response, pushing his drink across to him. "If you weren't an idol," That made him look up, scanning San's face with an unreadable expression, as if he'd had any deeper meaning to saying that.  _ If they weren't idols _ . If they weren't idols, San would probably still be in Namhae, and they wouldn't even have met.

But he didn't mean anything by it.

"Cheers," Seonghwa lifted up his glass to clink it against San's, his expression still imperceptible. They both drank. “It’s good, right?” San finished downing half of his drink in one go and kind of instantly regretted it. They may be mixed now, but they were still strong as hell. 

“Mm,” He agreed vaguely, walking around the counter to go and sit by the low table in the centre of the room. Seonghwa didn’t follow, just turned around to face him, leaning back against the other side of the counter, watching him contemplatively. 

He looked like he was about to say something, so San got there first. “Why’d you follow me?” 

“I wanted to see you,” Seonghwa said, easily. 

“You see me every day,”

“Mm,” Seonghwa’s gaze dropped briefly, “Not alone, though.” 

San’s breath hitched. They looked at each other for a long moment, too long. San was trying extremely hard not to think about the last time they were alone together. 

“Do-”

“Are you-”

They both stopped. 

"You go first," Seonghwa told him, after a pause.

He wasn't sure if he should.

“Do you wanna do it again?” 

Seonghwa’s eyes widened. He huffed out a half laugh, as if he didn’t know how else to respond. 

“You-” He started, then stopped. Swiped his drink from the counter behind him and crossed the room slowly to sit down across from him, close, but not touching. “San-ah,” He paused again, tracing the rim of his glass, “I- only if you want to.” 

“Yah, why would I say it if I didn’t want to?” San said, laughing. The sound came out slightly breathless. Seonghwa was still watching him, considering. 

“I’d feel bad,” He said, slowly, “If it was only me. Getting something.” 

It took San a split second to catch up with what he was talking about, and another second to figure out what to say in response, in which time Seonghwa carried on speaking hurriedly. 

“I mean, I get why you didn’t want to, it’s okay-”

“I never said I didn’t want to,” San cut him off. Quickly. Probably too quickly. “It’s not a big deal, I mean, it’s just…” He gestured vaguely, “Helping each other out. Guys in the military do it.” He was kind of rambling now, saying all of the things he’d gone over in his own mind to justify this. It’s not a big deal. They have needs, and they have each other.  _ It’s not a big deal.  _

“It’s okay, then?” Seonghwa said eventually, tentatively. 

_ He really wants to _ , San realised, abruptly.  _ He really wants this.  _

“Yeah,” He confirmed softly, lifting his drink up again and watching the way Seonghwa followed the movement. 

“Okay,” He said, swiftly, “Cool.”

“Okay,” San echoed. 

“Yeah,”

“Okay~”

“Yah,” Seonghwa narrowed his eyes at him, finally picking up on the teasing edge to his tone, and San dissolved into laughter. It was easier like this, the familiar push and pull between them, so he kept pushing. 

“Ah, hyung, I didn’t know you wanted it that much,” He held Seonghwa’s gaze as he said it, almost challengingly. 

Seonghwa raised an eyebrow at him. “Didn’t you?”

San hesitated for a moment. He wasn’t sure, anymore, how much of this was serious. How much of this was a game. 

“Maybe you should make it clearer,” 

Seonghwa didn't laugh or retort like he was supposed to, he just looked down, his expression too serious, suddenly. San was in the middle of internally panicking when he spoke again, “I thought it might make things awkward,” He looked up, “If we did it again,” San forgot to school his expression into a neutral one for several moments too long. 

“Ah,” He cleared his throat, managing to regain his composure smoothly, “I’m not gonna make it awkward, are you?”

Seonghwa rolled his eyes. Being a brat always worked on him, he couldn’t keep a straight face. “I can, if you don’t do anything weird,”

“When do I do anything weird?” San pouted. Seonghwa just looked unimpressed. 

“You know what I mean,” 

San levelled him with another look. “Don’t do anything you like too much?”

Seonghwa made a weird sort of hissing sound, somewhere between a laugh and an exhale. “You’re dangerous,” His tone still sounded vaguely joking, but his expression wasn’t, eyes a little too dark. 

Something about that look spurred San on, and he moved forwards, sliding his hand up Seonghwa’s arm. His breath hitched slightly at first, but he responded almost immediately, hand coming to hold his waist, touching him far more blatantly than he had done before. 

“Wait,” He pulled backwards slightly, “Not right now, someone might come,” 

San raised an eyebrow at his word choice, and Seonghwa swiped at his arm with his free hand. “Someone might come  _ in _ ,” San moved back too, letting go of him and trying not to feel disappointed. His skin was still kind of buzzing with it, the feeling of being that close. 

_ What is he doing? What are they doing? _

“Are you sure?” Seonghwa was still looking at him. 

“Huh?”

"Are you sure it's not a big deal?"

San paused, taking in the gravity of that question. “I mean,” He started, not really sure where he was going with this, “This-” A vague gesture between the two of them, “anything, right?”

Seonghwa's eyes were very big and very dark. He didn't reply.

"We could," He almost choked on the words, but Seonghwa was still looking at him, "We could kiss, and it wouldn't mean anything,"

_Why did he say that,_ _what the fuck._

This was the part where Seonghwa should laugh like it's a joke, or tell him he's wrong and that's going too far. Tell him he would never touch him like that, they should forget this.  Do  _ something  _ that made sense, but instead he just said, “Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” 

He knew what was going to happen before it did. Seonghwa was reaching forwards, touching his cheek lightly, and then he was pressing his lips against San’s. The touch was tentative, uncertain, but San felt the weight of it all over his body. He melted into it, kissing back almost desperately, but it was over as quickly as it began. Seonghwa pulled back again, his hand dropping onto the table. 

They looked at each other.

“Do you want another drink?” San broke the silence after what felt like an eternity. He felt vaguely like he was having an out of body experience, like his brain hadn’t caught up to the part where he was no longer kissing Park Seonghwa yet. 

Seonghwa looked down into his empty glass like he’d forgotten it was there. “Ah- no. I’m good.” He picked it up and stood suddenly, turning to head back towards the kitchen area. San watched him. 

“Are you gonna sleep?” He asked, leaning back from the table. Seonghwa hummed vaguely in response, busying himself putting things away. 

“Aren’t you?”

“Not yet.”

“Oh,” Seonghwa straightened up and paused. He seemed like he didn’t know what to do with himself now, just standing still. 

“Stay,” San said, so quietly he thought for a moment that Seonghwa hadn’t even heard him. But after a moment, he turned around again to look at him. 

“Okay.”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> this was a completely unplanned fic honestly i have no idea what this is or if it even makes sense ??? it started off as a drabble idea and wound up like this. but hopefully someone out there enjoyed! i might consider writing a follow up in the future but for now this is where it ends. 
> 
> thank u for reading~ come yell abt ateez with me !! [twt](https://twitter.com/yerimiesebot) / [cc](https://curiouscat.me/kuttsukiboshi)


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